Patience…

President Uchtdorf.

Until Saturday night I would have 100% considered myself a patient person, and definitely one who would (have) pass(ed) the marshmallow test. But, after listening to Elder Uchtdorf’s talk from Saturday night’s priesthood session, I’ve had to reassess myself.

Patience [is] far more than simply waiting for something to happen. Patience require[s] actively working toward worthwhile goals and not getting discouraged when results [don’t] appear instantly or without effort.

There’s an important concept here:

Patience is not passive resignation, nor is it failing to act because of our fears. Patience means active waiting and enduring. It means staying with something and doing all that we can—working, hoping, and exercising faith and bearing hardship with fortitude—even when the desires of our heart are delayed.

I can wait anything out. $35 gift certificate to amazon.com… 4–6 months I’ll hold onto it until I find the perfect use for it. Never mind that I absolutely LOVE books, movies, and music and anyone who gifts one of those to me is sure to win in my book… I can sit on free money for a long, long time.

And I can work hard, too. Real hard. Late nights, grueling assignments, crappy jobs… I can push through. I can see the light at the end and know the pay-off will be worth it. Or, even if it’s not worth it, I can endure.

But, the trick comes when something really hard comes up: deciding what to do with our lives! I tell people: “Oh, I’m working on my portfolio… we got a good thing going on here and the economy still kinda sucks, so we’re just going to be patient until the right opportunity comes along. We’re in no rush…”

Sounds great. Sounds prudent. Sounds patient, right?

Problem is… “Patience is not passive resignation, nor is it failing to act because of our fears.”

Condemned.

Really, that’s what I’m doing. (And I won’t use “we” here, I don’t think Suzie deserves this blame.) I’m scared to move on because I don’t know where to go. I don’t know if I can hack it in the real world. I don’t know if I’m good enough to get the job I feel I deserve. I’m scared my years of exploring “other routes” hasn’t gotten me where I’d hoped it would.

And… I’m scared to choose a new place to live, because with family on the east coast and family on the west coast, there is no happy medium. The happy medium is Utah; the happy medium is both lose. And I guess, even though I miss our families and wish they were so much closer, I’d rather everyone loses than just one… I don’t want to make that choice that looks and sounds like we’re choosing this family over that.

So. I. wait.

And hope that the anser will somehow just happen. The decision will make itself for me.

And that’s a big reason why we’re in Provo 3 years later than when we first started talking about “probably heading out to New York soon.”

Patience is not fear.

I’m not patient. I’m scared.