wheats of corn

cole you're so funny. who could be intimidated by me? i'm about as intimidating as one of those little boxes of raisins people hand out instead of candy on halloween ("raisins?!"). thanks for sharing your blog with me--you're right, it is fun to write your thoughts instead of just letting them zing around in your brain and then disappear, like letters to santa tossed down a dead-mail chute at the post office.

today i went to a baby shower for two members of my old cohort at byu. all my old classmates were there. its only been 3 months, but it felt like a post mission homecoming. of course i was sad too--i miss learning so much and feeling like i'm contributing to the community and feeling so creatively stimulated. i started indulging in some what ifs--what if we hadn't had elliot so soon, hadn't decided to quit; had a baby who wanted to be up in her dads grill all the time instead of her moms...what if what if. these guilty whispers are so pointless, so frivilous, but sometimes they run into my ears like water and i have to jump on one foot, shaking my head for days to try to get them out.

so today, i decided--no, not today. i will have moments of mourning postponed dreams, but not today. and after i had cleared a space in my head for just a moment, i made room for something good. and i thought about what an incredible gift i have to give. how many people get to sacrifice one of their most cherished possessions--in my case, my dream of a career in public service--for someone they love? i remembered today how hard it was to cut my education so short, so bluntly, before it really had a chance to blossom. but parenthood is about sacrifice.

i'm reminded of something christ said just days before the atonement: verily verily i say until you, except a corn of wheat fall into the ground and die, it abideth alone; but if it die, it bringeth forth much fruit." of course christ was referring to the infinitely more significant sacrifice of his own life, but i think i can apply the same principle. yes, to give up school was so so hard. it still is. i feel like i live such a small life, important, but small. my days are no longer marked by achievement and performance, but by what enrichment i can give to my family and neighbors, and how well i help point all our lives to christ. it's much less glamorous and overwhelming. but this sacrifice could maybe be likened to a seed, or "corn of wheat" (is that corn or wheat?), whose life is not ending, but catalyzing growth that has yet to be seen. maybe?